Finding My Character November 8, 2015

11/8/2015: Finding my Character

Sometimes it is strange to be an actor. You are asked to put on different emotions and asked to be in different situations than you ever thought you would be in. This movie is different from roles I have played before, yet it’s not so different. It’s not different because I am portraying a boy about my age in Chicago with a family and school and everything else that I normally have. The difference in this case is I play a boy who is very sick. In the beginning of the movie, I don’t know I am sick, but I am still very sick.  I continue to get sicker and sicker in the movie until ultimately I almost die. It has been an interesting process to get into character for this role.

The first thing I did when I got to Toronto to get into character was I began rehearsing with my “parents” Gerry and Gretchen. I also rehearsed with my director for the movie, Mark Williams. During rehearsals, we would sit in a room and talk about all the feelings we have about each scene. Feelings that aren't necessarily written in the lines. The emotions that are happening underneath the lines. I was also asked to do “homework” on the script. For each scene, I would write down how I feel, what I wanted from the people in the scene, and where I was feeling with my sickness. I developed a system from 1-5. 1 meant I felt pretty good, 5 meant I was near death. Under each number, I wrote symtoms that I would likely be feeling based on my research of ALL Leukemia, side-effects of chemotherapy, and side effects of a special immunotherapy my character has called CART 19.

All of those things helped me in the beginning of filming. It also helps me to sit in the makeup trailer and look in the mirror as they put makeup on me to make me look unhealthy. It is sometimes really hard to see my reflection in the mirror. It makes me feel very different than Max. Sometimes it makes me very sad and I have to remember not to feel sorry for myself. But this weekend something happened that changed my entire perspective about my character and my life.

This weekend Gerry and I went to Sick Kids Children’s Hospital. Specifically we went to the Oncology ward. It was set up that we would meet with doctors and physcologists to talk in detail about what our characters are going through once my character is diagnosed with ALL Leukemia. We also met with patients and their families that wanted to share their experiences with us so that we could bring a more truthful performance to the screen.

We were to meet a coordinator at SIckKids at 1:00pm in the lobby. Gerry wasn’t there when we got there, and the staff decided to start with me anyway. We went upstairs to the visit coordinator’s office. Her name is Amrita.

As I walked through the lobby of the hospital, I was surprised that it looked more like a mall than a hospital. There was a wide open lobby with play areas, a coffee shop, gift shops, and even grocery stores. We got in an elevator that looked like it was out of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory! It was sticking out of the wall, mostly glass, and bright mustard yellow steel. We zoomed to the 8th floor within seconds. When we stepped off the elevator, I felt a little nervous because Gerry wasn’t there and I didn’t really know what to expect.

Amrita escorted me into an office. Sitting at the table were two Oncologists (doctors who treat cancer), Dr Sarah Alexander, and Dr. Meredith Irwin. There was also a really nice psychologist there named Riann. Her job in the hospital is to help the kids feel happier and help them process what is happening to them. When I sat at the table they began to talk to me about what I could expect if I were a 10 year old boy with ALL. I had a lot of questions, and they had answers to all of them. I was surprised as we talked that I began to feel emotional. I felt like there was a lump in my throat and I needed to cry. I didn’t want to cry because I know I don’t have ALL, but it all felt so real to me. After about 30 minutes of talking, the team told me that there was a teenager named Theia that wanted to share her story with me.

We left the inside of what felt like the inside of a tree, closed up, safe, and protected, and went into the hallway which was cold, and bright and open. We walked past the nurses station to get to Theia’s room. I felt my heart begin to beat faster as we got to her doorway. I was nervous. I didn’t know what I would say to her. I didn’t want to make her feel bad. I guess I was afraid.

They asked us all to sanitize our hands and we walked into the room. There sat Theia on her bed with the tv playing. She sat criss crossed apple sauce in the middle of her bed. She looked like a normal teenager except the tubes going into her arms and into her chest. She had long black hair. She was smiling. She seemed totally normal, and calm. She began to tell me her story. She had been at Sick Kids since July!!! She talked about how she felt when she was diagnosed. She talked about what it felt like to lose her freedom and independence. She talked about losing control over her life. She talked about what she wanted to do in the future. She talked about her drugs and how she felt when she took them. She talked about her good days and bad days. She talked, and I listened and I questioned too. I asked her how she adjusted and she took off her long black hair and showed me her few strands of green hair clinging to her bald head.

“I didn’t have the heart to shave off these last bits. I had just started to grow my hair back before I needed this next round of chemo. So I dyed these few last strands green in protest.”

I didn’t feel much when I saw her bald head, because I see my bald head every day now. But I did feel bad that hers wasn’t a choice and mine was for a movie.

She shared with me that losing her hair was the hardest part for her. She said she felt like she wasn’t even a girl anymore once her hair began falling out. She began to cry. I felt myself beginning to cry inside too as I listened to her struggle with that memory.  She was so open in talking about her journey. She complained about missing her friends and prom and her senior year of high school.

“It really sucks”, she said.

I just nodded and listened. I couldn’t imagine what it was like to be her.

I had brought some “You Are Beautiful Stickers” to share if I felt it was appropriate. My mom had given them to me in the morning. They were in a tin in my pocket. I decided to give her one. As I reached into my pocket for the tin, I felt the room spinning. My ears seemed almost like I was hearing things under water. My eyes began to flicker with darkness. I handed her the sticker and I felt like I was choking. She thanked me and I looked at my mom. She knew right away something was wrong and she got me out of the room quickly.

Once we were in the hallway, I thought I was going to pass out. The doctors could tell something was wrong and they brought me back to the room and gave me juice. They talked to me about how overwhelming cancer is for everyone. Even medical students. My head was pounding. I felt sick and sad and scared. Then Gerry came in the room.

I was relieved to see him. Gerry has a way of coming into a room and making everyone happy. He sat at the table next to me and gave me a hug. We spent a little while there with the doctors as Gerry asked questions about how parents react to their kids getting ALL. It felt good to have the focus be on someone else for a little while. Gerry said he wanted to meet Theia, so he went in her room, and I went with Riann to see how she would explain leukemia to a ten year old. We played with a doll that had IVs and a “central line” coming into it’s chest. I began to feel queasy again. Then she brought out play dough and demonstrated how leukemia works

She made red and white balls of playdough which represent red blood cells and white blood cells. Red blood cells carry oxygen through the body. White blood cells fight disease. Then she made yellow balls and called them platelets. Platelets make scabs. Then she made many blue cells. The blue ones are leukemia cells and they have no reason to be there. They clog the veins and arteries and don’t allow your other blood cells to work properly. Riann also explained to me what it feels like to “code” I have to code in the movie. She explained that kids describe it as what I was feeling in Theia’s room, except much worse. When they wake up they feel tingling all over.

         By the time we finished, I felt much better. I decided to go back to Theia’s room and invite her to the premiere of our movie. We also took pictures together and swapped Instagram information.

         After Thiea’s visit, the team took Gerry and I to another girl’s room. Her name is Britney and she is 12 years old. She is also very very sick. Britney has been at sick kids for 3 weeks and already has filled up two chains worth of “bravery beads” Bravery beads are what you get when you go through a procedure. She already has had over 80 procedures and it’s only been 3 weeks. Britney is interesting because she is close to my age but she seemed so much older in some ways. I definitely think she is stronger than me even though she is very sick. She doesn’t let anyone cry in her room.

“If you want to cry, get out. I don't need that right now. I need positive energy” , she said.

She also shared with Gerry and I that the first few days in the hospital “Sucked! They were really bad for me, like whooooa….” and as she said this her eyes got huge. She shared that she makes goals. Her goal now is that she will go home someday. She just wants to go home. I think she will because she is about the strongest most determined girl I have ever met. I talked to her about the book “Smile” that she was just going to start reading. I also talked about crafting (she is amazing at crafts). We took some pictures with Britney and she asked me and Gerry to sign her copy of “Smile” and we did. I felt touched that she wanted my signature because Gerry is  famous and I am not. But I signed the book anyway. I wrote, “Thank you Britney for sharing your story. Best wishes, Max”

When we left her room, we met with nurses on the floor and talked about the movie and took pictures. Everyone always wants a picture with Gerry. I felt kind weird that they wanted my picture too.

We left that part of the hospital and as we did, I saw some more bald kids walking the hallways with their parents. I didn't feel as nervous or afraid looking at them. I smiled as we went to the procedure rooms and isolation rooms. The doctors wanted me to see every room that my character might have to be in. I was glad to see it, but the highlight for me was talking to Theia and Britney.

Gerry decided to visit more kids. Kids that were there for transplants and other diseases. As he was visiting, I talked in detail to Dr. Irwin. I learned that she went to MIT for graduate school, and Harvard for college. I have always wanted to go to MIT! She talked about the research she was doing. She is very excited about all the advances they are making in curing kids cancer. She said they can cure about 80% of all kid cancers. That’s pretty good!!! She learned that I love science and she invited me to her lab to look at cancer cells under a microscope. She also said we will look at worms and viruses and other cancer related treatments. I can not wait. I think one day I could be a medical research scientist!

After 5 hours, it was time to leave the hospital. 

As we drove home with Gerry, mostly all of us were quiet. We were all really tired and emotional from the experience. I know I will never forget that day. It changed me forever. I started the day being nervous and almost feeling guilty that I was playing a character when other kids were actually living with the disease, but I ended the day feeling like I have a responsibility to tell a truthful story. I want to do a good job in honor of the kids who fight the disease every day. I invited Theia to the premiere in Toronto at the Toronto Film Festival. I look forward to seeing her again when we both have a full head of hair. I hope hers is green.